untitled #1... Date: 5/3/2025

today i made my webdiary.
i feel a little pathetic making it, but i feel like it might do me some good writing my feelings somewhere.
i've tried making blog posts about my thoughts, but it felt performative for some reason. i think im just not good at insightful writing.
i've archived them here- but theyre a little embarrassing.
i'll try to be myself for now on.

getting sick... Date: 5/4/2025

For the past month ive been getting sick and sick and then getting better just to get sick again. its been a very painful and annoying cycle, which also doesn't help that ive been very scared and paranoid about the world again. being upset at the state of the world while coughing your lungs out and sneezing at the end of every sentence is actually very terrible.
i cant particularly do much of anything to help it, ive just been taking medicine and making myself avoid my phone. Which i guess helps a little to make me feel better... but when everything is so uncertain, it feels like im in a very very slow process of drowning. Feeling helpless is the worsssttttt...
To keep my mind off things i cant change, ive upped the hours of my productivity, so as a result ive been studying a lot more! studying is really fun. the only downside to it is that ive taking a liking to studying so much that ive been completely neglecting my art and drawing skills. Having a painting and a close friends commission be put on the back burner is really stressful, but the artblock is just so chronic...
Today after im done studying, im planning on drawing a little while i drink. lets hope for a full recovery and a happier world!

dependancy of the phone... Date: 5/4/2025

earlier this morning, i was watching a video about a man who went one month without his phone. I thought it was a really fun and interesting concept.
As i continued to watch the video though, i began relating a lot with his struggles with anti-social personality traits and how at first he thought it was just his personality, but soon realized that it was actually because of his relationship with his phone. That really struck a chord with me because i think i agree! I think a lot of people are very mean and isolated directly because of their phone or how they approach it.
I was sooo envious of his journey because i so badly wanted to do the same thing... to just lock my phone away and just live life freely. I think its so exhausting to live in the digital age now where all you care about is what people on the screen think of you and to see all the horrors of the world 24/7. I dont think humanity was meant to see all of this, im starting to think that a lot of what we think is normal is actually just us trying to cope with how fast technology is advancing, and how actually scary it all is.
Ive become jaded, mean, cynical, nihilistic, and its because i just see so many bad things in the world on my pocket sized computer. I have everything i could have ever wanted right at my finger tips and i just dont want it. i cant handle it. im at a point in my life where i can accept that this is just too much! unfortunately the world doesn't work like that though. you cant just throw away your phone, the youtuber on the internet was able to do that because he lives a very blessed lifestyle, the average working class person cant possibly give up their phone. its a very sad state of the world
but i also think that maybe we should learn to work with it and not against it. Im not in a position to give up my phone either, but we can learn ways to combat all of this negativity. those silly parental locks on apps seemed isolating and restricting, but im starting to think maybe its what we needed all along.
When im in a better place in my life, i want to delete and deactivate everything that has ever hurt me, at the end of the day its all just on the screen. i can log out at any time, i can delete the app whenever i want to... who said nobody could take advantage of that?
I want to be a happier person, i think this is the first step of that. thanks youtube!

what does faith mean to me... Date: 4/13/2025

while scrolling through websites, i had stumbled upon something that inspired me to write something about my faith. Im a pretty unorthodox person; especially when it comes to religion, as im a very proud trans person, but despite that i still pray and i still believe. Its very important for me to believe.
im not christian, catholic, or really anything that falls under christocentric/abrahamicentric views. Im just me, and I have faith and i really value that. I have faith in the people around me and i have faith in myself and my family. Faith to me is love, because love triumphs over everything. My strength and determination is highlighted by my love and the love that faith brings me...
I dont really care for labels outside of broad ones as im not really a person that can be pinned down by specific words. Ive tried really hard to put myself in a box to be easy to digest for the average person, but ultimately it was just so restrictive and limiting. this restrictiveness and isolation from myself applied heavily to my religion as well.
I grew up catholic but was raised by a family that just kind of assumed everyone else was catholic too because err well... thats just how things are lol! I was allowed to not go to church and not read the bible but no matter what, i still always had to be catholic. i really hated that honestly, i hated this notion that i just had to follow what people say i should do because thats just how things are. "thats just how things are" applies more to not wearing pajamas to an interview because then you wont get the job and thats just how it is...
but to apply that to something that had to do with my identity was just too much! i hated faith and i hated religion for a long time... there was a time in my life where if you asked me if religion was evil id heavily agree. I dont really feel this anymore... of course the church have done bad things... but i think its so important for a person to have their own personal relationship with religion and their faith.
I feel this so extremely that i feel it applies to anything, and not just the acceptable version of god that people most often think about. If you have faith in yourself and whomever you worship and dedicate your life to, then i think thats just beautiful. I kind of plaster it everywhere on my site but i just think that being yourself unapologetically and without shame is one of the most beautiful, pure and important things a person can do.
vive para ti, no para los demás!